Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
