Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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