wanna go halves on a baby?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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