I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
false alarm, still single
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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