I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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