swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Everclear isn't food dammit
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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