i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
