my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize