Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
