Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
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