took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
