My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
