I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
