the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
