Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize