Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
