Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just invented taco cereal.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
