Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
