My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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