I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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