If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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