$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
