Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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