Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
