This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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