If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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