Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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