I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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