he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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