in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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