I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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