Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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