I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
