Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
