I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
