Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I came so hard my ears popped.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
