Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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