I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
