i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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