Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
