I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
