She went from zero to smokin in five shots
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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