The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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