Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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