My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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