he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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