Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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