so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
