so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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