i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
