I wish I could teleport
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
