I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
