you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
