they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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