ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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