i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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