really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The best revenge is premature balding
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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