Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
