The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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