it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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