I need to stop coming to work sober
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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