saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
